Ripped By mstoll
Bah!
You're only gonna be gone a few weeks.
Why'd you pack the whole house?
When you go to Laos, you have to be prepared for anything.
Fancy dinner party, fishing on the Yangtow River,
surprise lengthy hospital stay.
Besides, I couldn't decide what sandals to bring.
You're in for one leech-infested vacation, lady.
Closed-toe all the way.
Kahn, while we're gone,
there's going to be a lot to do.
You have to remember
to turn off the sprinklers every day at 6:00 p.m.,
pay the gas bill online, and refill your prescription.
Fine, okay.
Stop talking and leave already.
I can't wait to make my underwear
my only-wear.
Hello, Minh.
Are you off on your big trip?
Uh, I have a favor to ask.
Kahn will be home alone for the first time in years.
Maybe Hank could check on him?
Make sure he's all right.
Don't you worry, Minh.
I will have Hank check on Kahn.
I know how hard it is for Kahn to make friends.
That's not what I said.
Well, it's what you meant.
Hurry up and get in cab
before redneck neighbors steal your luggage
and take it to pawn shop.
All right, everyone.
Grillstravaganza is in two weeks.
Now, as you know, this is the only time of year
I ask you to take your job seriously.
Last year, Thatherton cooked our chestnuts
like a Parisian gypsy.
We got to outsell Thatherton this year, people.
Ideas?
How about we wrap a guy in raw meat
and put him on the grill?
Just for a little while.
How about we give away a monkey?
A monkey with a hat.
Well, we're not doing a bikini car wash
'cause I'm the only one that ends up in a bikini.
Oh, all right, I'll do it.
Okay, we got the entertainment taken care of. Good.
Now, who's on promotions?
Uh, no offense, Mr. Strickland,
but what does any of that have to do with selling grills?
Once again you have attempted to cut through the crap.
Now, let's see if you can actually do it.
But if you can't, we're doing it my way,
and the crap wins.
I will give my all for you
and propane.
And to keep Donna's clothes on.
One of these boxes
has all of my old Halloween costumes in it.
Hold on a second.
What have we here?
Your dad used to like music?
Dude, the computer this goes in must be huge.
Comedy?
Joseph,
to the turntable.
As usual, Grillstravaganza is all on my shoulders.
And my shoulders are drawing a blank.
Why don't you change the name to Grill?
It's the stravaganza part that's killing you.
You guys want to head over
to Mega Lo Mart with me?
Maybe I'll get some ideas.
I hear keys jingling.
I bet you're going somewhere fun.
Why don't you take Kahn with you?
Good one.
Uh, what?
Why would I invite Kahn?
Because I told Minh you would spend time with him
while she's out of town.
And when I say no, Minh pretends she doesn't speak English.
All right, fine.
I'll ask Kahn.
Come on, guys.
Welp, I'm out.
I'm dang ol' not gonna make it after all, man.
No hablo ingles, Hank.
My dad never laughs at anything,
so this has got to be good.
Hey, Johnson!
Oh, you doesn't have to call me Johnson.
My name is Raymond J. Johnson Jr.
Now, you can call me Ray or you can call me Jay
or you can call me R.J.
or you can call me R.J.J.
or you can call me R.J.J. Jr.,
but you doesn't have to call me Johnson.
I don't get it.
What are they laughing at?
And who's he talking to?
Is he talking to us?
I'd like to hear more
from the guy who said, "Hey, Johnson."
Maybe we have to play it at a faster speed.
Better, but still not funny.
Well, the weather's been nice, huh?
Weather too dry for my supple skin.
So, uh, you're a systems analyst, huh?
That must be, uh, interesting.
Yeah, occasionally I get to consult
for a company with intelligent leadership,
like Anderson Automotive, GCP, Vogner, Southwest Paper...
You consulted for Vogner?
The Vogner Grills?
Oh, Vogner make a quality product.
No one designs a better flanged hood and side firebox
for that special flavor rednecks like.
Now, this may sound weird, but can you just talk?
I want to listen to this.
You know what I always wonder?
Why no company has ever souped up a grill--
Made it a total entertainment centerpiece.
I have been saying that for years.
Think of all the peripheral devices you could add:
a minibar, a knife sharpener.
Yeah, flat-screen TV, face mister.
Buck Strickland wanted something exciting
for the Grillstravaganza.
Kahn, I want to build that grill.
Will you help me?
I will, Hank Hill.
I must.
We call it The Commander-in-Beef.
It's the Swiss Army knife of grills,
but made by a country
that's not afraid to fight a war.
Welcome to Strickland Propane.
Well, what do you say we get started, partner?
Check it out, Hank.
Miter saw.
Perfect for cutting bread. And look.
We could add a snow cone machine for the kids.
Kahn, we stand at the threshold of greatness.
Oh, I got to go pick up a prescription.
I'll catch up with you at the corn dog cart.
Uh-oh, she's dealing with an argumentative senior.
I don't want it in a pill.
I want it in an ointment.
Oh, we'll be here all day.
Maybe I don't need the medicine.
I'm not sick.
Minh only makes me take them to even out my moods.
Listen, if you're not sick, don't worry about it.
Wives have turned us into pill-popping,
baby-wearing, teeth-whitening sissies.
Yeah, you right.
I think I'll self-medicate
with 50,000 BTUs of ass-kicking hellfire.
Mom, I found this comedy album in the closet.
Oh, Ray J. Johnson Jr.
"You can call me this and you can..."
He's the man who taught America to laugh.
Well, if there was a Mr. 1976, it was certainly him.
He's the one who got us through the second gas crisis.
Well, did it come with a booklet that you follow along?
'Cause what's here is not funny.
You're wrong.
It is funny, and let me tell you why.
You can't explain comedy.
Oh, hey, Kahn.
Wow, you sure got an early start here.
I stayed up all night and worked out every last detail.
Entire project is designed and diagrammed in my head.
Well, just point me where I need to be and put a tool in my hand.
Welder.
Over there.
Boy, I'm telling you, it's like somebody took Kahn
and replaced him with an actual human being.
You're talking about Kahn?
Our neighbor Kahn?
Yes, he is a completely different person,
and in one day, my liking of him went up
from not very much to somewhat.
Tell you what, man, talkin' 'bout one dang ol' day ain't gonna make up
for dang ol' seven dan- dang ol' years, man.
Well, maybe we never took the time to get to know him.
He's so outgoing and funny and has such energy and passion.
So how are his hands?
When you're walking down the street holding hands,
are they soft?
Enough talking.
I want to meet the new Kahn.
Hank, you said Kahn had energy, but wow.
He's accomplished more in ten seconds than I have in a year.
Hello, neighbors, watch your step,
but as always, it's good to see you,
and I just baked delicious cookies
that should be cooled off in 35 seconds.
Kahn, that self- portrait is beautiful.
Oh, last night I took painting class on Internet
and it teach the importance of color and depth.
And hey, who wants piping hot delicious cookies?
Is this our grill?
Our new grill.
Yeah, yeah, new ideas hit me all the time.
It now has every accoutrement
a tailgating football junkie could ever desire.
Say, did you know Hank is an anagram for Kahn?
H-A-N-K, K-A-H-N.
Looks like we destined to be best friends, right?
Wow, uh, you know, this grill-- It, it looks pretty elaborate.
We only have a week.
We can finish it no problem
'cause I compute the amount of work it will take
and the amount of time we have before the sale
and I concluded that we will finish it
with five hours, three minutes,
and eight seconds to spare.
Yeah, that sounds right to me.
That's some nice humming there, Kahn,
but I really need you to focus.
Who you think tastes better deep-fried-- Gribble?
No, Dauterive.
He'd be so delicious.
We seal in all his juices...
You know, I think it would be easier to work with you
if I had another beer.
Hey, ol' top.
I just thought I'd check in on my two favorite laborers.
Hot damn,
that's a fine- looking grill.
You think this handsome guy do anything less than perfect?
But you know...
it's coming to me.
Stay with me 'cause it's going to kick you
in the hillbilly ass.
Automated flavor sensors here and here,
remote control operated trays,
and mechanical arms on either side,
like a giant grill robot.
Robot?
How the heck are we going to pull that off?
It's crazy easy.
We attach a couple motherboards, some microprocessors,
a few transistors... Love it.
Don't understand it, but I love it.
Get to work.
Thatherton and I made a bet Yakuza-style.
I could lose a pinky.
Hey, Johnson.
Oh, you doesn't have to call me Johnson.
My name is Raymond J. Johnson Jr.
Okay, see, you're laughing, but I don't know why.
Because you doesn't have to call him Johnson.
Hey, man, look, you see,
he get-gets annoyed because a man--
The man only got his dang ol' name, man, so call--
You can call him Johnny, don't have to call him Sonny,
dang ol', dang, dang ol' Junie, too, man.
And then what?
What more would you need?
Oh...
Kahn's not here?
We also noticed and discussed it at length.
Dang it, he promised Strickland
some kind of robot super-grill,
and I can't get him to focus.
That Kahn's a ball of energy.
Last night we popped some corn
and solved the JFK assassination.
And Lincoln.
We're halfway through McKinley.
The other night
he ghost-wrote my autobiography.
I came out great.
I don't understand what's gotten into Kahn.
Only thing I can see that's changed is that Minh left
and he went off his medication.
Interesting.
Did he say what the medicine was for?
I don't know; he just said that Minh made him take 'em
to even out his moods or something like that.
Did he say that-- "even out his moods"?
That's what they usually say
about people with manic depression.
Uh, maybe we ought to check on him.
Kahn?
Sadness covers me like a blanket.
Tuck me in. Let me die.
Uh, maybe he's just sad.
Nope.
He's been swallowed whole by soul-sucking depression.
Yep.
He reminds me of me when I was just starting out.
You've got a long way to go.
I'm... just not... ever... good.
Hey, Kahn, if you're depressed,
maybe we could go out for some ice cream
or watch a funny movie.
What if you gave him one of coach's pep talks, Hank?
Now, that's a great idea.
Why don't you go into the girls' locker room
and put on a skirt, Wendy?
Oh, what, you don't like that?
Oh, you gonna cry, huh?
Uh, I guess you are, uh, going to cry.
All right, we're going to have to fix this somehow.
I'll confiscate his shoelaces
and the drawstring from his pants.
People forget the drawstring.
We should try to get his prescription filled.
So, uh, Kahn, I was thinking
maybe you could throw on some pants
and come to the pharmacy with me.
There's no use in going.
I threw prescription away.
Don't even know doctor's name.
You know what I just realized?
I'll never hear another Huey Lewis song
for the first time again.
Man, I don't know what's gonna be harder, man.
Fixing dang ol' Kahn or fixing your dang ol' grill, man.
Grillstravaganza is in four days
and I can't make sense of Kahn's plans.
I don't know anything about computers
and his writing is microscopic...
and in Laotian.
This is like figuring out a jigsaw puzzle made of clouds.
I just wish this was a movie.
Some music would play
and we would just cut to when we were all finished.
Well, I've done it.
I've glued a toaster to a karaoke machine.
Is that something I was supposed to do, Hank?
This is useless.
We can't finish this without Kahn,
and Kahn can't finish this without his medication.
We could just get him the drugs illegally from Mexico.
They're the exact same medicine, only cheaper.
And spicier.
Let's do it.
Pardon me, Johnson.
You can call me Ray
or you can call me Jay
or you can call me Ray J.
Or you can call me R.J.
or you can call me R.J.J.,
but you doesn't have to call me Johnson.
Bobby, dinner!
In a minute!
I'm not coming out until I crack this.
Yo, Johnson!
You can call me Ray
or you can call me Jay
or you can call me Ray J.
Or you can call me R.J.
or you can call me R.J.J.
But you doesn't have to call me Johnson.
You doesn't have to call him Johnson.
Johnson got another one.
I wonder how many pills Kahn should take.
Maybe, to be on the safe side,
he should take them all.
Oh, man, just, it dang ol' happened, man.
One minute, he's on couch. He's all whimpering, whining,
Next minute ol' up and at 'em, man.
Hank Hill, about time you got here
'cause I need a 5/16th-inch drill bit right now, 5/16th.
See, it's a good thing I'm off my medication.
Now I have lots of energy.
Let's get to work.
Oh, can you help me move my couch, too?
Actually, Kahn, we were able to get your med...
Glad to see you're feeling better, Kahn.
No use in wasting this good mood, huh?
I'll grab that drill bit.
Peggy, I'm gonna be working late tonight on the grill.
So, I found a bottle of pills.
It gets better.
They are unlabeled pills.
It gets better.
They are from an unlicensed Mexican pharmacy.
You have one sentence to explain.
Uh, well, that's what happens
when you let Boomhauer borrow your pants.
I accidentally made Kahn
go off his medication for manic depression,
so I had to get more of it...
from Mexico.
So why are the pills in your pants
and not in Kahn?
Well, if he goes back on his medication,
it'll even him out and we'll never finish the grill.
Grillstravaganza is riding on this.
Hank Hill, you cannot withhold Kahn's medication
for some stupid grill!
Come on, Peggy.
Look at him out there, all full of energy.
It's not hurting anyone.
Huh.
All right, fine.
I'll give him his pills.
Kahn, you have to stop building.
Can't stop now.
The Commander-in-Beef is almost finished.
Big sale starts tomorrow.
You have to take your medication.
But I don't want it.
I feel great.
And when I'm off my meds, I have so much pep.
We're all friends.
See?
Friends.
Well, we'll still be friends.
Not taking your medication is too risky.
You could slip into another one of your, uh,
depressive states.
Your health is more important than the grill.
I guess I see that now.
Aw, Hank Hill, you care about me.
Well, go on now.
Take 'em so you can get back to normal.
It's not immediate, Hank.
It's gonna take a day or so for the pills to work.
Really?
So what happens until then?
I could be manic. I could be depressed.
Real crapshoot.
Huh.
The suspense is killing me.
Yeah, Kahn's been lying down for over an hour.
What do you think that means?
Which way is he gonna go?
Oh, man, like a dang ol' Billy Joel, man,
like a dang ol' sadness or euphoria, man.
It's manic!
Hey, check this out.
Oh, cool.
Hot damn, Hank!
We just sold more grills than in the last three years combined.
Whoo! We dry-rubbed it in Thatherton's face!
Yes, sir, I believe we did.
Hey, there, Kahn.
You're looking well.
You know, balanced.
Yeah.
I just came by to see the grill in action.
Looks good. Good?
She's a got-dang masterpiece, Kahn.
It even knew I was hungry.
I know this grill almost destroyed
your fragile grasp on sanity, but...
that is a damn fine burger.
Yeah, all in all, I have to say it was worth it.
You can taste the pain.
But you doesn't have to call me Johnson.
Ripped By mstoll